SOB
by ttfn.tahtahfornow
Summary: "Hah! Sirius—Padfoot, guess what I just realized!"  "What, Moony?"  "You're an S.O.B."  ". . ."  "No—no—wait, Padfoot, come back!"  Remus calls Sirius an S.O.B.  Sirius takes it a little too personally.


x.x.x

**S. O. B.**

x.x.x

"Hah! Sirius—Padfoot, guess what I just realized!"

"What, Moony?"

"You're an S.O.B."

"Well fuck, Moony, I know I screwed up with that whole Snape thing, but you said _weeks_ ago that you'd forgiven me! And now—what the hell?"

"No—no—wait, Padfoot, come back! I didn't mean—"

". . ."

"Aw, sod it."

x.x.x

"What the bloody hell is _wrong_ with him, James, huh? What is his _problem?_"

"Whoa, Padfoot, mate, slow down. What in the name of Godric Gryffindor are you _talking_ about?"

"_Remus_, mate, _Remus!_"

"Um. . . okay? Still don't get it."

"I _thought_ he'd put that whole—y'know—moment of temporary insanity on my part—behind him. I thought he'd damned well forgiven me and moved on!"

"Erm—he _did,_ Sirius. I was there. Remus hugged you and you started to cry and then Peter tossed his—"

"_Okay,_ Prongs, I get the the picture. Which is how come I don't understand why just _ten minutes ago_ in the hallway he called me an _S.O.B!_"

"He called you a son of a bitch?"

"That's what I _said,_ isn't it?"

"_Ouch_. That's harsh, mate. Not off the mark, if you want to get technical about it, but still harsh."

"Like I said—what is his _problem?_"

"No idea. But as surely as I will one day marry Lily Evans and raise dozens of little green-eyed Potter babies with her, I _will_ help you figure this out!"

"Shit. I'm on my own."

x.x.x

"Ahem—if a certain Mr. Moony would kindly remove his nose from the terribly monotonous-looking reading material?"

"Oh—James—hello."

"Yes, yes, let's cut the pleasantries, why don't we? I think you know what I'm here to discuss."

"I'm sorry—Prongs—_what the hell_? Erm—excuse my language."

"Oh, you're just a regular cursing _machine_ these days, aren't you, Remus John Lupin?"

"What are you—"

"I _think you know._ You're my best friend, Moony, but Padfoot and Wormtail are also my best friends, and I don't like to see one of my best friends being _deliberately cruel_ toward _another_ one of my best friends. Now, I completely understand that it took you a little time to get over Padfoot's—erm—massive slip-up—and forgive him for that—but now _this?_ This is—is—absolute mistreatment! Friend abuse! I never would have thought it possible from you, Moony, and—"

"James, if you're talking about Sirius not getting that—"

"—_and_ you _know_ how sensitive Sirius is about his family! His mother most especially! Now he's _confused_ and _hurt_ and—and—how _could_ you, Remus? _How could you?_"

"Look, I wasn't trying to be _cruel,_ it was just a—"

"Save the excuses, Lupin, 'cause no one's buying them. All I've got to say is that you owe Padfoot a _fat_ bleeding _apology_."

"James! Oh, bloody—James, wait! Come back!"

". . ."

"Aw, sod it."

x.x.x

"Well, Prongs, what did he say?"

"Erm—oh, haha—y'know it's funny, really, but I might have turned just a little—um—_dramatic_ while I was trying to talk to him. Err—"

"_Dramatic?_ What do you mean, _dramatic?_"

"Cool it, Padfoot—I just meant—umm—you know, it _really_ is humorous—I may have gotten a bit, erm, caught up in the—ah—the heat of the moment."

"_James_. . ."

"Ah—well—I, err, may have done most of the—um—_vocalization_."

"You mean you didn't give him a chance to _say_ anything?"

"Umm—haha—erm. . ."

"Oh, damn it, Prongs!"

"Hey—all right, now, let's not pop a blood vessel, mate. Why can't _you_ just talk to him?"

"You're bloody _mad_ if you think I'm facing Remus while he's pissed at me—I've learned _much_ better in the past couple of months, thanks anyways."

"Well—are you _sure_ he's angry with you?"

"He called me an _S.O.B., _for Merlin's sake!"

"Yes, yes, I know the story."

"Well what are we going to do _now?_"

"No worries, mate, no worries. We've still got another Marauder up our sleeves."

x.x.x

"Pete! Let's chat, eh?"

"Oh, hey Prongs. Erm—when you say _chat,_ you don't mean blather on about Lily Evans, do you? Because, really—"

"_Moi? Blather?_ I should hope _not._ And no, nothing about the red-haired, green-eyed, most beautiful goddess of Gryffindor tower right now, Wormy. Rather, I'd like to discuss a certain _canine,_ if you get my drift."

"You mean Sirius?"

"Not quite."

"McGonagall?"

"No—that would be feline."

"_Snivellus?_"

"No—that would be _asinine._ I meant _Remus!_ I would like to talk about Remus."

"Well you could have just _said_ so. What about Remus?"

"Well, Wormtail, have you talked to him in, oh, the past thirty minutes or so?"

"Um—yeah. The four of us had Charms last period together. . ."

"Well—do you have any clue what his motives might be for referring to a fellow canine, if you will, as—"

"You mean Sirius this time, right?"

"—for calling Sirius a son of a bitch?"

"Um—well, Padfoot's mum _is_ rather—"

"_Yes_, Peter, but Remus is his _friend_, and friends don't call friends sons of bitches! Not unless they're very angry with each other. Have you got any idea why Mr. Moony might be angry with Mr. Padfoot?"

"I thought they were all 'best mates again' ever since—well, I don't really like to think about it, thank you. Especially not after having just finished a pack of Bertie Bott's."

"Right—well—absolutely _no_ idea why he might be pissed at Sirius, then?"

"None whatsoever, Prongs."

"Maybe you—err—want to talk to Remus about it? Sirius is upstairs sinking into a deep depression, as it is. Perhaps you could convince him to apologize? I would but—well, I've tried already, and—you know—he's in the library and Lily Evans is here in the common room, and she's wearing that amazing Muggle skirt—"

"_Got it._ I'll be off, then."

x.x.x

"Hey Moony. How's it going?"

"Peter! You—err—aren't here to yell at me, are you?"

"Course not, mate. Course not. Simply here to inquire about a rumor I've heard, um, milling about. Or—y'know—from James."

"Oh dear. Look, I _tried_ to explain it to both of them, but—"

"Well, so you _did_ then?"

"Did—what?"

"You called Sirius a son of a bitch?"

"No! Well—not _really_. In a sense—"

"_Moony!_"

"No, no—I called him an _S.O.B._ You see? But I think he took it rather personally. . ."

"Well who _wouldn't_ take it personally, Moony? You can't just go around calling your friends names like that!"

"Honestly Peter—"

"Why in the eleven hells—"

"Seven, you mean. Though really it's nine, if you're referring to Dante's—"

"—would you say that to him, Remus?"

"I—it was just—"

"Never mind, never mind. Doesn't matter now, I suppose—the damage is done. Look, you kind of hurt Padfoot's feelings or—whatever. You might want to apologize—he's up in the dorms sulking, I think."

"Fine. I'll apologize to Sirius. God help me."

x.x.x

"Moony!"

"Err—James. If you're going to yell—"

"No, no, mate. Not at all. In fact, I'm—ah—rather sorry about that little—_display_—earlier. I'm worried that rather than encouraging you to apologize I simply caused you to become disinclined—"

"_Right_. Well, no worries. What are you doing up here? And where's Sirius?"

"Ah, well, I thought I'd try to help my best mate pull through these dark, dark times. Padfoot's behind the bed curtains—you know how he gets those bouts of sulkiness and whatnot. Hah! And to think he teases _you_ about PMS."

"_I can hear you, you idiot!_"

"Well—anyway, James, um—if you could just get him to come out, maybe—I was planning on apolo—"

"Perfect, perfect! _Sirius!_ Stop sulking and come _out_ from behind the bed curtains! _Right now!_ Okay—you two just kiss and make up—I'll bring Pete up with me in a few to make sure no irreversible physical damage has been done, etcetera. Gotta run—when I left the common room, Lily had her legs crossed!"

x.x.x

"Sirius."

"Remus."

"Padfoot."

"Moony."

"I'm _sorry_."

"Why did you say it in the first place?"

"I—it was a _joke,_ Sirius!"

"Poor excuse for a _joke,_ calling someone a son of a bitch!"

"Oh, Merlin—I wasn't—it was a _pun_ on your _initials_. S.O.B. Sirius Orion Black. I never wanted to _insult_ you!"

". . ."

"I figured there weren't really enough stupid puns to go with your first name _and_ your surname already. Thought you needed one for your initials, too."

". . ."

"That was sarcasm."

". . ."

"Sirius, please say something. I know it wasn't exactly the wittiest thing I've ever—_oh_."

"Mm."

"Mm."

"I'm so sorry, Moony! I—I—just—it was so awful before—and I thought maybe I'd done something wrong again—and I _hate_ it when you're mad at me—and I'm so _dense,_ I should have realized—_mmph._"

"Mm."

"Mm."

"Padfoot—I didn't realize—"

"Fuck, Moony, you must think I'm—"

"Just—should we even—we're both—_mm_."

"Mm."

"Mm."

x.x.x

"Damn it, mates! Irreversible physical damage to my _eyes!_ When I said _kiss and make up,_ I didn't mean litera—oh, _God!_"

". . ."

"Fuck, Peter, not on my new shoes!"

x.x.x

_End_.

x.x.x


End file.
